A client's guide to fucking up any design project
Updated: Aug 7, 2018
Ever wondered what it takes to really fuck up a good design project? Ever wondered if you had it in you to drive the designer to question their existence as a human being? Fear not, with this simple guide you too can fuck up any design project.
1. Choose the cheapest designer.
The utter arrogance of some designers who want to be able to feed themselves is unbelievable. You know your nephew could do it if he wasn’t busy vomiting on his iPad while watching Pepper the Pig. When first writing to the designer be sure never to use their name, don’t let your guard down for a minute, just start off the mail with something like “How much for webnet design?”. This way the designer will be mystified to what you need and want to know more. Don’t play easy to get. And always use your own personal Hotmail electronic mail address. This will let the designer know you are up-to-date and professional.
2. Be vague
Don’t be clear about want you wan but do talk a lot, the more unrelated strange detail the better. If the designer even dares talk, cut them off and talk over them, only then will you show them you have the all the power. A poor designer will try and write a brief for you or even try and trick you into a workshop to really find out what you want. Don’t fall for it, you don’t need to waste your time on this faux strategy stuff when you know it all yourself.
3. Be prescriptive
To make up for being really vague in the briefing process be very descriptive about what you want, the designer is only there because you can’t be bothered to learn how to use a Mac yourself. Remember anyone can design, so tell them how to do it. Not sure if something is wrong? Randomly tell them to change the font / colour / or photo. Be sure to send them lo-res images. It’s their job to fix that.
4. Don’t reply to emails
Take a long time to give feedback then blame the designer when you miss a deadline. It’s unbelievable how most designers can not read your mind. Punish them by not replying to mails then when they do chase you up ask why the project is being delayed.
5. Make lots of changes.
Don’t let a designer cheat you out of this by saying they’ll charge more after 3 rounds of changes. At least 26 rounds are needed to disorientate the designer, only then will they give up and let you have control.
6. Drama
Be sure to be very emotional. If something doesn’t go to plan be sure to blame the designer and tell them they need to do their job better, in fact tell them exactly how to do it, you know best. Remember to take it as personally as possible and to get really offended, only then will the designer see how passionate you are about your project and respect you more.
Be safe in the knowledge that after following these steps you will have shown the world what a high powered and in-control business person you are. You can stand back and see what a complete fuck up you’ve made of the design project. You should feel proud of yourself.