• James Eccleston

A designer’s guide to completely cocking-up a project

Remember to get offended as often as possible

No matter if you have studied at an expensive university or are self taught, you too can completely cock-up any design project. Just follow these simple rules to gain entrance to design fail heaven.

1. Say yes to every project

Especially say yes to potential clients who’s first and only question is: “How much for an interweb site?”. They know that price is the most important thing when shopping for a designer and thus know your true worth. If you don’t take this project you won’t have enough money to pay the rent, you’ll then be homeless and the universe will implode and reality will cease to exist. Don’t ruin it for everyone else, take the job.

2. Don’t set boundaries

Boundaries are for squares and you’re a freestyle post-truth creative designer. The client might get angry if you limit their ability to change your work only 3 times. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become a specialist, this way you’ll become a specialist after they give you 10,000 amends. Smart eh?

3. Publicly slag off your clients.

Upload your clients messages to social media. Your client will respect how you have promoted them within the design world.

4. Don’t question the client, be their friend

No one likes a designer that can’t read minds. You also need your client to personally like you. We all know hiding your professional doubts and saying yes is the best way to win friends and get your clients respect. You should expect the client to know more about design than you. Don’t ask them what they want to achieve when they give you prescriptive feedback. Just do it with out questioning them, that’s the only way to get the client to love you. If you’re lucky they may ask you to have ice cream with them on their birthday.

5. The client is your enemy

As a designer don’t let your client stop you from creating beautiful art. It’s your project and their business objectives have nothing to do with creating beauty. Try to take all client comments personally, you can only produce art when depressed or angry. Try to emulate people like Ian Curtis or Kurt Cobain, just look at where they are now. Clients only want to destroy your creative soul because they are jealous, you know you are better than them because you don’t wear a suit.

6. Belittle your client

The best way to get a client to like you is to make them feel stupid. Use technical design language to explain your work and laugh when they don’t understand. They will then see you a superior human being.

7. Don’t involve the client in the process

As I mentioned before, it’s not their project, it’s yours. You know their business better than they do and only you have the god given right to do the design. Work as many hours as possible without showing them anything, the longer the better. This way, when they do see the work they will be pleasantly surprised and not bored of your tedious personality. Plus you can brag to your design mates about how late you worked. You do your best work when your working all the time without a rest, quantity = quality. Note: try not to be friends with non designers. Even better try not to have friends, they get in the way of design.

8. Don’t talk about money

This will make you look like a sell out. It’s polite to only talk about money at the end of the project when all the work is done. That way you’re almost guaranteed to get a fair payment. If you don’t get paid, it doesn’t matter as your an artist, not some corporate design whore who actually earns money and has a life.

9. Seek approval

You never know if you have truly done great work until someone else tells you so. Remember your worth as a designer can only come from the approval of others who know nothing about design. The best thing to ask is; “Do you like it”? Just like you did with your mum when you showed her a painting you did at school. Don’t mention any corporate stuff about goals or business objectives, this will only kill your creativity.

Be safe in the knowledge that after following these steps you will have shown the world what a cool rock star designer you are. You can stand back and see what a complete cock-up you’ve made of the design project. You should feel proud of yourself.

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